I'm very fond of animals, which I suppose is almost a form of racism, really. In that I'm really saying that I like all animals because of their positive qualities that I'm just presuming they have, whether they have them or not, which is wildly judgemental. The world is a difficult place.
Surely you can empathise. Can you empathise with animals who use tools, though? There's a competition afoot at
http://thepedestrian.org/contest
Check it out! I, myself, had my misgiving, as I outlined in my letter to the editor.
"Dear Sirs/Madams,
I read, with interest, the essay competition outlined on your website for the quarterly journal you produce. Something about animals using tools. Oddly, I happen to be an expert in that very subject (though please note no longer a qualified expert, having lost my titles to a rival only last month). You can imagine my confusion when I realised that the competition itself was one that encouraged imaginative extrapolation, with animal tool usage cited as the kicker for fanciful whimsy, the stuff of a child’s chuckles, all stories and moon beams. Really!
Sirs/Madams, I write to you to stress that such animal tool usage is very real – very much out there! And dangerously so. I have examples aplenty, but have chosen to focus on some of the most alarming and upsetting in order to impress upon you the gravity of your oversight. I have also included pictures – not only worth a thousand words, but fun too! Understand, though, the sacrifices that were made to obtain them, all of which I cannot divulge (obviously, this makes your understanding of them impractical, but if you could imagine a moderately large sacrifice that inconvenienced more than a few people, that would suffice). Please bear close attention, witness the fitness, etc.
The first of my examples should really be of no mystery to you. Jeremy Bear, the Korg Killer Bear, was the name on the lips of the nations after he amplified his Korg keyboard to dangerous amplitude (?!) and played a massacre medley in a busy shopping mall in Birmingham last year. The sonic vibrations produced by his dreadful midi rendition of “Careless Whisper” were enough to destabalise the entire 5 story retail outlet. Only Jeremy escaped alive, after which he told jokes and made an unseemly spectacle of himself. We never caught him, though when we close our eyes, all we see is his big joking face, covered in honey and sheet music.
Equally unsporting is the Riddle Crab, who uses logic puzzles, limericks and charm! to confuse his victims before eating them whole, all in one go. While he uses his large claw to hold his cane and his Riddle Crab question cards, his littler claw is often placed under his chin while a contestant/victim considers their answer, effecting the kind of “What are you thinking?” pose beloved of useless people desperately trying to appear intelligent.
By far the most dangerous of my examples, though, is the ungodly Laser Goose. Steer well clear! He’s the odd one out in this list, for sure. While the previous terrors are confirmed tool users, Laser Goose needs use no tools, being himself a living weapon. He sleeps somewhere in the greatest depths of our ocean, only awakening to go to the bathroom or to pester his greatest foe, the United American Navy. Manys the scooner and battle boat that’ve fallen ‘fowl’ to its Diamond Beak Laser, or wing mounted laser arrays. Legend has it that, if you manage to destroy the numerous control gems mounted on the proud beasts breast, it has one final terrifying attack up it’s sleev’d wing. But none have gone so far...
I really hope this helps. I don’t mean to preach, but tool using animals are living among us, right now. All we need do is look. All we need do is look.
Bye! Arthur Roibon."
Give it a go, gang! You could even win this one, because I'm not sure if I actually entered.
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